Cupid and Cooties
by Offcentre
Summary: It's Valentine's Day at Huber Elementary and Mandark is determined to win Dee Dee's heart. Unfortunately, her generic Valentines cause the only sparks that are flying.


**CUPID AND COOTIES**

**Though I'm getting lots of hits to this story, I am receiving NO reviews for it. Whether you like this story or not, please PLEASE tell me why and any suggestions to improve it that you might have. Thank you!**   
My second attempt at "Dexter's Lab" fanfic, this one is probably closer to a DL episode length than my first, "Team Players". I try to keep my episodes to stick with the style of the cartoon as much as possible, so note that while reading this- the characters' voices, their mannerisms, and how the stage directions would look in a DL episode.   
"Dexter's Laboratory" is © 1996 Hanna-Barbera Productions and Cartoon Network.   
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[MR. LUVINSKY's classroom. DEXTER and MANDARK are glaring at each other, teeth bared.] 

MANDARK: No, I was right! [Points to himself.] 

DEXTER: No way! My answer is definitely correct! 

MANDARK: Huh-uh! Your math is all wrong- 

DEXTER: Shut up! You can't even- 

MR. LUVINSKY: Boys! Boys! [MANDARK and DEXTER lower their eyes and look guilty.] We finished that problem ten minutes ago! Now I was about to announce tomorrow's activities for Valentine's Day that the school is sponsoring. 

[MANDARK's eyes go wide, while DEXTER's face droops, exasperated. Focus in on MANDARK. A thought bubble appears over his head.] 

MANDARK: [Thought.] Valentine's Day! Ahh, yes. My perfect opportunity to win Dee Dee's heart by astounding her with my class and romanticism! Ahaha haha! [Cackles insanely. DEXTER looks at him and frowns.] 

MR. LUVINSKY: Umm, Mandark... 

MANDARK: Oh, Dee Dee, my love! Though you are so free and adventurous a spirit, how I wish that I alone could capture your wild heart! [Clasps his hands together.] Oh, if only my longing for you could be contained! 

[MANDARK faints, his heart-eyed head landing on DEXTER's desk. DEXTER looks down at him and frowns.] 

DEXTER: Mandark? [Taps MANDARK on the shoulder- though MANDARK doesn't really have shoulders.] Mandark. You're drooling on my desk. 

MR. LUVINSKY: [Blinks.] As I was saying, we have several activities planned for the entire school. First you'll have a chance to pass out your Valentine's, so everyone be sure and bring your cards and a shoe box! Then we'll have a class party and a school dance in the gymnasium. You'll wan to look your best for that! 

[DEXTER is still trying to push MANDARK off of his desk, with minimal success.] 

DEXTER: Oh, brother. 

----- 

[A montage containing the following vignettes. Dramatic music throughout.] 

[MANDARK's laboratory. MANDARK is working diligently to create the perfect Valentine's card, with his goggles and gloves on.] 

[DEXTER's laboratory. DEXTER wires together a bizarre contraption that resembles a heart and holds it up to COMPUTER, who prints a big heart on her screen.] 

[MANDARK at various shops, handing over huge sums of money for roses, candy, etc.] 

[DEE DEE in her room. Dumps out a box of Pony Puff Princess valentines and scribbles furiously on them.] 

----- 

[Valentine's morning. DEXTER is slowly crawling down the stairs in his pajamas, just barely awake, his eyes drooping. Suddenly DEE DEE comes flying past him, fully dressed and ready for school.] 

DEE DEE: Morning, Dexter! Don't you just love Valentine's Day? All the CANDY! Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg! 

[DEE DEE continues her rampage past DEXTER, who keeps going down the stairs one step at a time. Cut to DEXTER upon finally reaching the botttom of the stairs. He stumbles to the kitchen past his parents sitting on the armchair, MOM in DAD's lap.] 

MOM: How's my little love demon? [Rubs DAD's chin.] 

DAD: Rowr! 

[DEXTER enters the kitchen, pulls himself onto a chair, and begins eating breakfast. DEE DEE is already slurping her cereal noisily.] 

DEE DEE: Dexter, guess what? I have a Valentine for you! 

[DEXTER wearily peers at her. She slides a tiny envelope across the table to him.] 

DEE DEE: Here you go! 

[DEXTER opens the envelope, which has his name written on the front. He pulls the card out; it is covered with disgustingly cute Pony Puffs.] 

DEXTER: "You make my hooves skip a beat! You're the cutest! Love, Dee Dee"? Dee Dee, this is gross! Why did you give this one to me? [DEE DEE shrugs.] 

DEE DEE: I just picked random cards for people and then wrote names on them. Hurry up, Dexter, or you're going to miss the bus! 

[DEE DEE dances out of the kitchen. DEXTER continues to slowly eat his food.] 

----- 

[MR. LUVINSKY's classroom. MANDARK is seated at his desk, dressed in a suit not unlike that of Executive Mandark's in _Ego Trip_. DEXTER is sitting beside him. They both have metallic, elaborate-looking boxes sitting on their desks, and they are both grinning contentedly.] 

MR. LUVINSKY: All right, class! You may now pass out your Valentines! 

[The students begin racing around, while MANDARK and DEXTER remain where they are, perpetually grinning. Time elapses and their faces begin to sag. Eventually, they both look like sorrowful and pitiful messes.] 

MANDARK: Not a single Valentine. Boo-hoo! 

DEXTER: Where are my adoring fans? Why are they not showing their affection for my great genius? 

----- 

[Abrupt cut to Halls of Huber Elementary. DEE DEE is skipping merrily through the school, tossing cards in every direction.] 

DEE DEE: For you! For you, for you, and for you! [Spots LEE LEE and MEE MEE standing by their lockers.] LEE LEE! MEE MEE! [Runs up to them.] 

MEE MEE: Heya, Deeds! 

[All hand cards to one another. Open, and read aloud.] 

DEE DEE, LEE LEE, MEE MEE: "You're the best friend a Pony Puff Princess could ever ask for!" 

LEE LEE: [Screams.] You guys are the greatest! [Big hugs.] 

MEE MEE: Girls, we wouldn't be nothing without each other. 

DEE DEE: You got that right, sister! [Traipses away.] See you later! 

LEE LEE, MEE MEE: Bye, Dee Dee! 

[DEE DEE continues skipping down the halls, flinging cards into classrooms.] 

DEE DEE: For you! [Enters MR. LUVINSKY's classroom and dashes over to a freckled boy.] For you! [Runs to a girl with braids.] For you! [Sprints to a girl with frizzy hair.] For you! [Twirls around madly.] For you! For you! For you! 

[We see the cross-section of a boy's face, only his glasses and eyes and part of his nose visible. In slow motion, her hand reaches across to the middle of his face, holding an envelope. His pupils follow it on its gradual descent into his hands.] 

DEE DEE: [Stretched out and echoing.] For you. 

[We now see the boy's hands, trembling, holding an envelope that reads, in curly script with hearts adorning it, "Mandark". Very carefully his hands open the envelope and pull the card out. Full shot of MANDARK as he reads.] 

MANDARK: [Very slowly, as though in disbelief.] "You are the prince of my heart and the pony of my dreams. Love..." [Blinks.] "Dee... Dee." 

[MANDARK falls out of his desk and collapses to the floor, so all we see now is his empty desk. Popping hearts float up from the floor, which a sad-looking DEXTER watches, unintrigued. After a pause, MANDARK leaps up from the floor, holding the Valentine victoriously over his head.] 

MANDARK: It is too wonderful to be true. Oh, but it must be! My infallible angel returns my love! [Fanfare.] Now to present the goddess of my heart with these material gifts that are the best a lowly mortal such as myself has to offer. 

[MANDARK straightens his tie, then produces a giant heart-shaped box of candy; two large bouquets- one of generic flowers, one of roses; and his Perfect Valentine card. Begins to confidently stride down the classroom aisle, his eyes closed and nose in the air. Cut to a view of part of MANDARK's head, foreground, to the right; out of focus in the background on the left is an average-looking boy.] 

BOY:"You are the prince of my heart and the pony of my dreams." [As BOY is reading he gradually comes into focus.] "Love..." [MANDARK's eyes popped open and he has stopped walking.] "Dee Dee." 

[The name once again echoes as MANDARK's eyes narrow and his whole face goes red. Cut to normal view, MANDARK clenching a fist, grabbing the boy's neck.] 

MANDARK: [Through gritted teeth.] What... did you... say? [BOY trembles with the chattering sound effect.] 

BOY: [Rushed.] "You are the prince of my heart and the pony of my dreams! Love, Dee Dee!" It's on the card she gave me! 

MANDARK: No. You see, that's impossible. [Drops BOY.] Because that's the card... [Close-up on his face.] That she gave... [Narrows eyes, ultra-close on his face.] ME. 

BOY: Please don't hurt me! [Cowers.] 

MANDARK: Grr... [Shakes with rage.] That's it! I challenge you to a duel at the dance for the fair Dee Dee's hand! Do you accept, you slimy urchin, you usurper, you scum of the earth? 

BOY: Umm... I guess... [Whimpers.] 

MANDARK: Hee hee! Prepare to die! Dee Dee shall be mine, once and for all! Aha hahaha! Ha ha! Haha haha ha! [Cackles insanely. Dramatic music.] 

----- 

[Gymnasium. Kids are scattered all around under the heart decorations, listening to the chintzy music. DEE DEE, LEE LEE, and MEE MEE are standing near the punch bowl, harrassing DEXTER.] 

DEE DEE: Hey, Dexter! Why don't you dance with some GIRLS? [DEXTER makes a face.] 

DEXTER: Why would I want to do that? Yuk! 

MEE MEE: I bet Lee Lee would dance with you. 

LEE LEE: Leave me alone! 

[The lights flicker on and off for a few seconds and the music stops abruptly.] 

KID 1: Hey, what's going on? 

KID 2: What in the world? 

KID 3: Who stopped the music? 

[A spotlight swings towards the door and MANDARK, in elaborate 18th-century fencing attire, strikes a pose in the doorframe.] 

MANDARK: Come out, you cowardly dissenter! We now shall duel for the hand of the incomparable goddess, Dee Dee! 

[DEE DEE blinks obliviously. BOY is shoved front and centre, but tries to cower behind his comrades nonetheless.] 

BOY: Do- do I have to? You can have her, really! 

JOCK: Hey, what's the deal here? 

MANDARK: It's very simple. Dee Dee seems to have accidentally given us both the same Valentine- an obvious mistake, as I am her one true love. This simpleton here, however, finds need to contest my devotion by challenging me to a duel for Dee Dee. 

JOCK: Oh, yeah? Your card wouldn't happen to read THIS, would it? [Pulls out a card from his pocket.] "You are the prince of my heart and the pony of my dreams!" 

[MANDARK pokes the tip of his foil to JOCK's chest.] 

MANDARK: What's it to you, cretin? 

JOCK: That's what she said to ME! You wanna make somethin' of it, Man-dork? [JOCK's lackeys chuckle.] 

MANDARK: Anything to prove to you all that Dee Dee is mine, and mine alone! 

[Cut to DEE DEE and her crew around the punch bowl.] 

MEE MEE: Do you have any idea what's goin' on, Deeds? [DEE DEE looks pensive.] 

DEE DEE: Hmm... No. 

[Cut back to MANDARK's scenario. Several other BOYs have approached the arguing crowd.] 

BOY 2: Well, guess what? I got the same thing from Dee Dee, too! 

BOY 3: Yeah, so did I! 

[JOCK makes a fist and grabs MANDARK by the collar, pressing his face and muscle-bound fist to MANDARK's face.] 

JOCK: So you wanna fight? [MANDARK looks terrified.] 

MANDARK: No... 

[BOY, BOY 2, BOY 3, JOCK, and a few other boys all leap onto MANDARK and their brawl quickly turns into one giant dustcloud with random limbs protruding. MANDARK's head pops out briefly.] 

MANDARK: HELP! I need my robots! 

[MANDARK presses a button on his watch before getting dragged back into the dogpile. MANDARK's mecha stomps into the gym, tearing up the floor as it goes, and in a send-up of stock anime footage, MANDARK is transformed into its pilot and placed in the commanding seat.] 

MANDARK: Hehehehehe... 

[The mecha plucks up JOCK with one of its claws, and sends him flying to the other side of the gym. JOCK, even more enraged, runs back to the mecha (which is not terribly tall) and begins beating up on it. JOCK is assisted by BOY, BOY 2, and BOY 3.] 

MANDARK: Hey, what the- 

[They succeed in toppling the mecha, which is razed to the floor in a spectacular shower of metal. MANDARK rolls out of the cockpit and lands at DEE DEE's feet, back in his normal clothes but looking rather disheveled. He straightens his glasses.] 

MANDARK: Oh, Dee Dee... [Drops to his knees. Produces the flowers, candy, and card and holds them up to her as an offering.] My love, the aching of my soul, the joyous sprite who alone can turn my dark heart to gold! Please, oh, please accept these gifts as tokens of my unending affection for you! [DEE DEE blinks.] 

DEE DEE: Hmm... Okay! [Snatches them from him.] 

MANDARK: Please, kind goddess! May I have this dance with you? Your touching words in the card have moved me to be so bold. It is the true meaning of this day! 

DEE DEE: Eww, no way! Boys have COOTIES! Besides, everyone knows the real meaning of Valentine's Day is candy. Mm, candy! 

[DEE DEE pops the lid off the box and dumps all the candy into her mouth, then chews and slurps noisily, getting chocolate all over her face. MANDARK stands, head hanging, and begins to shuffle away. A hand taps him on the shoulder.] 

GRUFF VOICE: May I have this dance? 

MANDARK: Why, certainly- 

[Turns to face the person and is confronted by the boys he had been fighting with moments before. They all raise a fist to him.] 

MANDARK: Yeaaaaag!!! [Runs out of the gym, the boys chasing him.] 

**THE END**

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Please post a review with comments and suggestions. (I love constructive criticism, so if you have any, SAY IT!) Thanks to **Honoria Glossop** for beta reading most of this and fawning over the prospect of Mandark in a fencing outfit with me. 

**The Mandarkers Society [http://offcentre.net/mandark][1]**

   [1]: http://offcentre.net/mandark



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